Disoriented? Start Here.

Have you ever woken up feeling completely disoriented? It’s scary. It’s unsettling. It’s vulnerable. Isn’t it? Maybe it was a nightmare. Or maybe you just fell asleep in a different place or a weird time. Whatever it was, there is a rush of relief that occurs once you get your bearings back. 

But have you ever gotten disoriented on your walk with Jesus? Have you ever gotten to a place where you have lost your sense of direction with God? I’m not talking about a brief moment of confusion during a sermon or while you’re reading a difficult passage in the Bible. But a season of life where what you thought you knew has been turned upside down and even the things you once were so sure of, you just aren’t so sure of anymore. 

Maybe it’s a spiritual truth God is re-forming in you. Maybe it’s a question about your calling or vocation. Maybe it’s a life circumstance that has thrust you into the disorientation. 

Whatever it might be, spiritual disorientation is a real thing. It’s often scary, even unsettling at times, and always vulnerable.

Many Christian circles celebrate faith when it’s marked by confidence and assurance and view doubts and uncertainties in one’s faith as weakness. In fact, this one size fits all standard of faith only adds to the weight of the disorientation.

A few years ago, I woke up one morning and recognized for the first time I was disoriented on my walk with Jesus. I can’t quite pinpoint the specific day it started, but I can look back and point to a season of my life and the circumstances surrounding that season which ushered me into disorientation.

Truly, it has been scary, even unsettling. And definitely, vulnerable.

“Spiritual disorientation is a real thing. It’s often scary. It can be unsettling. It is always vulnerable.”

I’ve been misunderstood. I’ve been discarded as a lost cause. I’ve felt the disappointment of not living up to the expectations of a faithful saint. And that’s just the beginning of the thoughts which run through my own mind about the season I’m in, much less what others might be thinking or perceiving about my life. 

I hope to use this platform as a chronicle of my journey into and through the disorientation. I’ve been fortunate.  In my journey the past few years, I have had incredible companions amidst my disorientation. Not people who could necessarily give me steps 1 through 5. But people who were good shepherds willing to walk with me and keep me company. 

In my journey, there have been few things as powerful as reading from others about their season of disorientation. From the early Church fathers to some of the Spanish mystics (like St John of the Cross) to those alive today willing to share about “the dark night of the soul” or “the wall." They have been a gift to me. Through their own doubts and vulnerabilities, they wrote sentences that made me want to stand up and shout, "Yes! Me too!" It’s been in those moments maybe where I’ve felt the most seen and known by the Lord. It’s been those moments where I’ve realized I’m right where I’m supposed to be, even if it’s scary or unsettling or vulnerable. 

I hope this platform helps others feel seen and known. I hope there are sentences, even paragraphs that make you want to stand up and shout, "Yes! Me too!" I hope it all leads to you feeling especially seen and known by the Lord. 

You’re not alone. 

And though it’s scary, vulnerable, and even a bit unsettling … you might be exactly where you’re supposed to be, even if it feels like you're waking up in a strange place, unsure of your bearings.