Grace Runs Downhill

After a months long affair I filed for divorce from my husband of almost 10 years. I didn’t care about the house, or the cars, or even how it would affect my kids. All I knew is I was head over heels in love. The object of my affection was my son’s private basketball coach.

He too was married, divorcing his wife, and altering the course of his children’s lives. I decided that this was all bad. From the depths of despair I didn’t bother to go to church anymore or read my Bible. My belief was whittled down to the existence of a God who was frowning on me from heaven.

Things spiraled out of control for several months straight until I landed right at rock bottom. It hurt like hell when I lost custody of my two kids, underwent a medical procedure to dissolve an ectopic pregnancy, got in a car accident after drinking and driving, and spent a night in county jail. I sat alone in my apartment one day shortly after all that feeling completely hopeless and all I could do was cry. What a mess I had made. I saw no way through it all.

•••

I read somewhere that “grace runs downhill, meeting you at the bottom not at the top.” But what does the grace of God even look like at this level of brokenness? For me, it looked like mercy.

He spared my life. The life I did not care about. He kept me alive through a car accident that should have been fatal, an affair, ectopic pregnancy, and through the loss of my children. I was overwhelmed and afraid of facing all of the consequences. But even after seven years I cannot fully understand how the bleeding stopped. One of my favorite songs Here Now (Madness) by Hillsong says this: “When Justice called for all my debt, the Friend of sinners came instead.”

My encounter with Jesus changed everything. Most notably, the trajectory of my life. I was in terrible shape. He loved me so much even then.

This is grace.

I could go on and on just about how He rescued me and he also changed me. My former affair partner became my husband. God spared him too in every way and has not relented in making him into the godly man he was always supposed to be. Together we have a six year old son. Born completely healthy despite the early prognosis that children born after the treatment I had for an ectopic pregnancy are not.

More grace.

•••

We are a blended family of eight now. This is the area where the devastation of our past lives is still felt most and compounded. Our five children from our previous marriages are now in their preteen and teen years and are war-torn. They live primarily with their other parents in another state. We miss our kids so much. My mommy heart longs to be with them every single day. I recognize now though how unhealthy I was as a person and that having the opportunity to prioritize my own healing has truly been a gift.

More grace.

In the face of the harsh reality of it all there have been divine moments of closeness and healing in our family unit that I cannot understand or explain.

More grace.

•••

I thought everything had to be completely better before I could share this story. Processing so much grief and pain over the past seven years happened so imperceptibly that I didn't realize what was happening as I was living through it. Practically speaking, it looked like praying, Scriptures written on the mirrors, making friends, and seasons of counseling. Only recently did I tell my husband that I wasn't sad anymore.

I have hope for the complete restoration of our children and our family. My heart is full of gratitude for the great exchange. Beauty for ashes.

This is the grace of God.